I am generally a happy-go-lucky person. I get annoyed every single day, be it at work, at play or even at home, but I rarely get angry. I am not one who harbour negative feelings for anyone who’d done shitty things towards me and let it eat my soul. It’s not fun.
Recently, a person from the past reappeared out of nowhere and I was instantly transported back to the dark and twisty place I was a good five, six years ago. He wanted to settle some old scores with me, though I was less than thrilled, I relented thinking, ‘What have I got to lose?’
Reading his long, carefully worded message sent mixed feelings through me:
1. Well, hello to you too.
2. Dude, what is this bomb you’ve just detonated on me?!
3. This is ancient history. Why are we even talking about this?
4. So this was what you thought of me.
5. Remember how I said, two years ago that once this particular conversation was over, I would have nothing else to say to you? Yeah, I still don’t.
6. Was I – no wait, am I really that horrid person you described me to be?
7. Did you just say sorry to me? Honey, had pigs flown?
8. You forgave me for doing what to you?
9. Wot.
This huge blowout was a result of years and years of sweeping things under the rug. We don’t talk problems out, we just skate past them which let to truckloads of miscommunication, lots of anger and a long awkward period… Which made forgiving one another difficult. That’s one thing we could agreed upon.
Moral of the story is: If you have a problem, SOLVE IT. NOT RUN AWAY FROM IT.
I was still in the slow and long process of trying to forgive him for what he said to me, things he did to me and other unforgivable stuff we’ve managed to dish out on each other. Some of them were really, really nasty. Like wanting each other to change because one doesn’t like what he/she sees in the person.. kind of problems. Serious problems. At this point, I couldn’t figure out whether I was content on him being a safe distance away, or let him in like he was willing to let me back.
*
Ghosts from the past came back to haunt me. Every single feeling I fought hard to forget came rushing in. I don’t remember much about that dreadful day, but I remembered crying. I’m not even ashamed to admit that to the world. I cried because absolutely nothing was going right in my life then. I cried because I felt like I could never be good enough for the one person I wanted to be good enough for. I cried for the friend that I lost. I cried all my frustrations of the past x number of years I had spent being a friend to him. I cried because I have not a single clue what I should do with my life next. I cried for a whole week, then stopped.. got up and fixed my life.
It was when I met the most amazing people who aren’t afraid to tell me what they thought of me right in my face. There was a night recently I had a conversation with my good friend, and another joined in.
Me: Do you think I am an attention seeking whore?
Friend B: *laughing* Is this a joking question?
Me: No. Really.
Friend B: *stops laughing immediately* I don’t think you’re an attention seeking whore.
The look on his face when he realised I was being serious was priceless. That was when I, and Friend A who was sitting in between, saw that he was telling the whole truth. Later, both Friends A and B chided me for thinking about it and advised to let the matter rest and be happy like I already was. Friends like these I am thankful for and will set me right when I am second guessing myself.
That being said, I told him what I was most capable of: Someday I will forgive you. Just not right now.
I’ve never regretted anything knowing this guy, just lessons learnt. I may have grown out of the confused, angsty teen phase I was in back then, but there are days where I am bound to slip. I’m human, I tend to mess things up along the way.
There are so many different kinds of love and my love for this guy remains no matter what happens between us. I may dislike him a LOT, but I still love him very much. Only God knows how much I love this guy, because if it were any other creatures, I would have thrown them off a cliff or something. I wouldn’t do that to him because:
1. He’d expertly run away from me, and my plan will backfire cos HE will throw ME off the cliff
2. Even if I do succeed, I’d want to rush to the bottom of the cliff to catch him.
SO, all in all I learnt that it’ll take time to forgive people, but first learn to forgive yourself. All in good time, honey. All in good time.
