Sometimes depression means
Not getting out of bed for three days
Because your feet refuse to believe
That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor

Sometimes depression means
That summoning the willpower
To go downstairs and do the laundry
Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week

Sometimes depression means
Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours
Because you cannot convince your body
That it is capable of movement

Sometimes depression means
Not being able to write for weeks
Because the only words you have to offer the world
Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying

Sometimes depression means
That every single bone in your body aches
But you have to keep going through the motions
Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed

Sometimes depression means
Ignoring every phone call for an entire month
Because yes, they have the right number
But you’re not the person they’re looking for, not anymore.

―Hannah Nicole a.k.a. twentysixscribbles

I’m not saying that I’m depressed, because I don’t feel comfortable self-diagnosing myself with something that I am not. But I am not afraid to admit that I could relate with almost every single line of the above post. Especially the part about not being able to write for weeks.

I would stare for hours at a fresh, blank Microsoft Word page and can’t bring myself to type a single word. Giving up, I’d move to re-reading my old stories and wondered where the hell did I get the inspiration to write like that. Yes, while other people draw or sing, or do drugs to escape… I write. Because that’s the only way I know how to deal.

It doesn’t mean that I’ve kept myself idle the whole time. Outside social media and the Internet, I’ve been keeping myself pretty busy.

Work-wise it’s nothing to report about. Just going through the motions, and enjoying myself. Not everyone gets to fly to Australia and Japan every other day. Plus, August marked two years I’ve been flying. Remarkable isn’t it? The next step of my career is going to be tricky, for I’ve shot for the moon and now on a journey to expand my horizons. More later when things are concrete, but for now I’m going to enjoy my cheap steak in Australia and blow my entire week’s budget in a Japanese supermarket.

Outside work, I’ve been doing normal things like spending time with people I love, celebrating our nation’s SG50 birthday with friends and even have a few exciting things planned the next few months.

Still, sometimes I feel like I am in a deep, dark and hazy hole that I’m desperate to climb out of and that is normal (unless someone says otherwise). Oh well, everyone has their own demons to fight. I’m optimistic that I will eventually see the ray of light at the end of this tunnel I’m currently rolling around in.

Meanwhile, I’m going to keep share cat videos and punny pictures on my FB timeline and look for a series to get addicted to (Marvel’s Cinematic Universe is currently taking up a lot of my time). Oh, and I’ve recently discovered that there’s a bloggers community in my hometown. WHOOPEEE!

To all who’s felt what I’ve felt, and been where I am.. or are going through the same, dark and twisty, much less unexplainable phase like I am…. hang in there. You’re not alone.