You know that feeling where you aren’t sure of what to do now or what to do next… when you’re trying to make plans for the future but the events of the now aren’t cooperating? When you’re basically in limbo and have no freaking idea what to do?

Yeah, I’m in that limbo right now.

Maybe someday I can look back to this post and celebrate how far I’ve come since being this low, but today I’m still in that hole and desperate to climb out of it… but I don’t know how. I won’t call it being depressed because I’ve seen that word being thrown around loosely, I don’t know what it means to be depressed. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. I’m not going to box my feelings up and label them. And don’t ask me what it is about, because right now I won’t tell. Maybe someday I would. I’m optimistic that this too shall pass. I hope.

So I do what I can do. I finished two series on Netflix (Bates Motel and The Returned because I like to dig my own grave getting myself shit scared when the flatmate is not around). The people around me (literally) are really supportive: random lunches, visits to the flat and tea at ungodly hours. The flatmate couldn’t stand me holing myself up in the room watching Today’s Special – a pretty good but not too satisfying culinary film- and dragged me out for dinner and shisha. I was most impressed with what I had at the Iraqi restaurant, I will write about it later.

And I eat breakfast for dinner. Like, a heavy breakfast to break my fast at dusk. Because early mornings are spent eating things that are not too heavy, yet at the same time high in energy to sustain me throughout the day.

I defrosted some turkey bacon, and throw them in the oven, fry up some scrambled eggs, emptied out a whole can of Heinz baked beans… enough to keep some for nuking another day. Toasted some bread, spread some heavenly butter on it and brewed some hot water for coffee. Nescafe Gold Blend Barista Coffee, at least that’s what it says on the can. Love it with a dash of vanilla soy milk that I am slowly running out of.

Then I wiped the plate clean, and the mug of coffee too. I think of what to do the next day. Same thing I’ve been doing for the past 9 days. The only thing different is probably what I plan to cook. We’ll see how that’ll turn out.